The Problem with Creepy Crawlies in the work place

To be clear I do not have a problem with insects, arachnids, lizards, snakes, or other Creepy Crawlies in general...as long as the spiders in the arachnid section stay out of my personal space.

With the onset of fall and colder weather the above creatures tend to move into the man made buildings. Most common in my home at the moment are the Carolina Scorpion and the "Harvestman". The Scorpion is usually about one inch long to about an inch and a half. The "Harvestman" other wise known as the "Daddy Long Legs" or as I call them the "Granddaddy Long Legs". If you do not know what this is, it is an arachnid (not a spider, because it does not have any fangs or venom glands) are basically a football with long spindly legs protruding from them, shrunk down to 1/4 inch body size.

At the office there is a plethora of insects, arachnids, and other Creepy Crawlies that make their home where I work. This becomes problematic with most of the female Agents, who in general HATE anything Creepy or Crawly. This does include some male Agents at the office as well.

With our office being in a Government facility, they generally do not fumigate for insects (etc.) unless someone of high importance is making a visit. So, the Creepy Crawlies generally have the run of the facility.

Most of the Creepy Crawlies have learned to stay hidden when the lights are on. However, every once in a while a spider, centipede, or what-have-you will be so overwhelmed with sex drive that he has to venture out to find a mate. Usually finding one of the female Agents. When this happens there is usually all kinds of excitement and high pitched screams of alarm. Everyone in the office comes to see what all the excitement is about and the offending creature is exterminated with extreme prejudice.

At least that is how it usually works. The exception to this was Halloween night after finishing the Sex Offender Checks. I was walking out through the back lobby and happened to see a large (2-3 inch long) Cockroach scurry across my path and stop right in front of me. He lifted up his head and his antenna twitched, as if to say, "Howdy". Knowing that this particular insect would cause havoc with some of our female Agents, I decided to put him out of our misery. I proceeded to take my size 11 hard sole boot and stomped on the Cockroach as hard and fast as was possible. There was a satisfying crunch, but a disheartening lack of squish. When I lifted my boot, the Cockroach pushed himself off the floor, shook himself, and fluttered his wings. He then looked back up at me flicked his right antenna upwards and scurried off.

Okay, I exaggerated the antennae flicking. But, he did move about his important business without so much as a look back. I have since named him "George" and I am certain that we will meet again.

Another such instance was today. Agent M, Casey, and myself were out in the Reporting area of the office. I was preparing to take over the reports for Agent M. This was her full day of reports and she can still only work half a day.

As of late I have had to Bird-dog her on this, due to the fact that she will stay longer than she is supposed to and ends up pushing herself to the breaking point.

So, while I was waiting for her to finish with one of her Offenders. I decided to wait in the cubicle adjacent to her cube and across from Casey. About a minute into the report I hear an odd banging sound that I recognize as a computer mouse being slammed on the desk. A common occurrence with our frustratingly slow computers. Then a slam/stomp sounds started accompanying the banging. This is not a recognized noise and was therefore classified as not good. The sounds began to intensify at a startling rate and Casey and I both reacted.

We sprung from our rolling computer chairs, hands reacting with muscle memory. Before I had gotten out of my Cubicle, my weapon was already half out of the holster. We were inches from barreling around the corner into the Cubicle that Agent M was in, when we hear, "Eeeek! Bug!!" Like an all clear signal, Casey and I slow our pace and reholster our weapons before we round the corner of the cubicle.

When we get into the cubicle the Offender is dying of laughter as Agent M begins to throw pens and papers at the wall closest to her. Casey and I look on as the "Bug" moves under the desk and apparently stops. Agent M turned to us and stated nonchalantly, "There's a bug under my desk." To which Casey replied, "Yeah, we gathered that." He then began to relay the tale of our attempted heroism, the fact that the still chuckling offender was almost thrown to the ground and handcuffed at gun point over a Bug.

At that the Offender stopped laughing.

Agent M finished the report under our watchful gaze to make sure that the offending bug did not return for a second assault. Once the Offender was out of the Reporting area, Casey went back to his desk to finish what he was working on, while I stayed to help Agent M find and exterminate the bug. After a few seconds Agent M located the bug (a common house centipede)between the desk and the wall.

After several unsuccessful assassination attempts, Agent M gave up and started packing up her reporting equipment, while I kept an eye on the bug. Once Agent M left the reporting area, the bug followed the wall to my cube. I sprung into action and crushed the little centipede that had caused such a commotion.

Once Agent M returned to the reporting area for the rest of her equipment, I relayed the announcement of a successful kill and we got back to the business at hand. Reports.

In my time working with my agency and specifically in my office, I have learned to kill the offending bug quickly and on sight. Do not give it time to run into a hiding spot or toward the alarmed female Agent. Thereby, letting the situation go from bad to worse.

If you work in a high Creepy Crawly environment with high strung, armed, women (or men) who are Entomophobic (very, very afraid of Insects and other Creepy Crawlies) and there is a commotion about a Creepy Crawly, just kill it.

Semper Fi Deus

Goose.