I am a Gunslinger, not a Lawyer!

I love my job, just to clear the air. However, there are some parts of my job that I like better than others. Warrant Service, by far, considered the most dangerous part of the job. However, I consider this to be a rare treat. A paid day of fun and adventure. The only thing that tops this is the paid day at the local shooting competition (which is coming soon!).

Second, in the line up of fun parts of the job is Home Visits. Considered the second most dangerous part of the job. This would be where Agents go to the den of the wolf to see what is there. 7 times out of 10, nothing. You go in chat with the resident or neighbor, move on. But, the other 3 are the ones that you end up spending a little more time.

Third is Extraditions/Transports of Prisoners. I consider this to be fun. Time consuming and sometimes exasperating when it comes on a day when important case load stuff needs to get done, but fun. You may ask, "Why?" Because I get to go somewhere new. Whether it be a Backwoods County Jail or a High Tech Supermax Prison, it is somewhere in the world that I have yet to be.

From here we slip from the fun part of the scale to the not so much fun part. Fourth, comes the average day. Paperwork, computers, copiers, and phone calls. Not much to say here.

Fifth, in the line up is Report days. In the beginning it was fun. Something new to do and definitely different from patrol work. However, now, sitting in an uncomfortable chair for 9 hours talking to an average of 60 criminals a day, gets old...fast. Thankfully, these only occur once a week.

Sixth, is Office Duty. I am not sure if this is something that is only done in our office, but it is definitely for the Harriers. Like Report days, you are stuck in the office for the entire day. In actuality it is not much different from the average day. Most of the time we do not leave the office, but the prospect of not being allowed to leave, just brings the spirit down. For the Agent picked to be the Office Duty Agent of the Day they have to field random phone calls for Agent that are out. Deal with prisoners fresh out of Prison and reporting for the first time, and any other randomness that happens along.

Seventh, and final in this list is the name sake of this blog. Court. Just as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy (DeForest Kelly, 1966-1969 and Karl Urban 2009), would say in some given situation, "Bleep it Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a (insert job title of choice here)!" I am not a Lawyer. This is the only aspect of my job that actually makes me want to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry for my mother.

Again you may ask, "Why?"

Why, I would have such a phobic reaction to a situation where I should have nothing to fear. It is not I who stands to lose my freedom and possibly everything I hold dear. I am just standing before a General Sessions Court Judge presenting the Case for the State. So, why am I so often just as afraid as the criminal standing beside me?

The only answer I can come up with, is that I am a Gunslinger, not a Lawyer.

I am not comfortable wearing a Dress shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, sport coat and noose, I mean...tie.

I am not comfortable going up against paid and trained Lawyers. Whom with every other word I want to say, "I object your Honor! I don't know what they're saying!"

Finally, I am not comfortable standing before a person in a black rope basically playing God. The focus of their wrath or not.

I would rather be in the deepest, darkest, rankest, rain soaked armpit of my jurisdiction arresting the Incredible Hulk with his 6 Gamma irradiated friends beside him.

But the real reason I am so phobic about court is...Control. In the before stated armpit I am in control. In the courtroom I have zero control over anything. The Judge is in complete Control over everything that goes on. Good, Bad, or indifferent. In the courtroom he/she is God.

I have learned in this job that being uncomfortable is a part of life. In the years since beginning this job I have arrested countless criminals, been in countless armpits of the jurisdiction, and gone to court countless times. I know that I conquer the Phobia every time I go to court, stand before the Judge and present my case. Whether or not I feel like curling up in the furthest corner and crying for my mother becomes irrelevant to finishing the job at hand.

Semper Fi Deus,
Goose